I Had to Break My Heart to Follow It.

 

Ending a loving relationship is never easy.

Especially without some out of the ordinary event – an argument, someone cheating or doing something wrong.
I know first hand.
We were in love.
We had plans to get married,
have children and be together forever,
and we meant it.
My God, I meant it with every part of my heart.

He was beautiful.
He bought me things
and helped me out.
He was kind,
Forgiving,
Loving.

He wanted to give me the world,
But our ideas of the world were so different.
There were some signs that I couldn’t ignore.
Things that indicated we both had VERY different plans for us.

He wanted to move into a 3 bedroom house
Buy a dog
and have friends around for BBQs on weekends.
I wanted to get the hell out of the town we lived in.
I wanted to explore.
To travel.
To party and play.

I was still all for our relationship,
the marriage,
the kids…
But not yet.

And when a couple very near and dear to me broke up

I looked at them and their pain after decades together.
I saw a family man.
Out to provide for the family.
Happy to live a simple life with his wife and kids.
Devastated to discover that his Love was leaving.

I saw my future self in his wife,
A lady in her forties who had ALWAYS wanted to travel,
To roam free,
To explore the world.
To learn and grow.
To make friends across the globe…
But had instead followed her love.

She had sacrificed her personal dreams
For a mortgage,
for her children,
Her husband’s ideas and dreams,
And still she longed for her own dreams.

I could see myself doing the same.
I was so in love.
So ready to make a life for us,
But I could see that his version of a life for us was not going to include a life that included my dreams.

I played video games because he played video games.
I ate food from places he ate rather than where I’d usually go.
I still went partying and had my own friends,
but I was slowly but surely losing parts of my life that I loved
and losing hope of having what I deeply desired.
It was all just fading away over time as our plans replaced mine.

I’d deferred a university offer for a year
On his word that in a year we’d move cities so I could go and study.
More than 3 years later here we were,
About to rent another house in the place we still lived.

He wasn’t going anywhere.
His family were here
He was working a hard-to-attain high-paying job
I don’t think he realllly wanted to move in the first place.
And if he wasn’t going anywhere
I wouldn’t either.
He didn’t want me to go on my own
He didn’t want us to be apart.
Neither did I really,
But where did that leave me?
What choice did I have?
Either have my relationship
Or live the life I wanted.

I had to make a decision.

It hurt me so badly to end it.
To break his heart
And my own all at once.
It was hard.
Actually, hard is an understatement.
I knew then and I know now
It was the decision I had to make.
Why?
Because at the end of my days,
I’ll know I did what I wanted with my life.
I will be regret-free.
I will know on my dying day that
I danced my dance
Rather than dying with more dance left inside me.
I will know that I didn’t build resentment
For someone I held in a relationship
Just because they were living their life the way they wanted.

2 years later he was starting a family and I was setting off to travel the world.
We were both living the way we wanted to 🙂 <3

It’s not easy.

But sometimes you’ve gotta break your own heart open to set yourself free.

And it should never be a question of choosing your relationship OR your dreams, you can have both.
If you want support, cheering and guidance to get the life you dream of, email me now about private coaching
bianca@biancaspears.com

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