How to react when triggered

So deep in ego

I accepted a friend request from a guy on facebook last week. I don’t know him, so I checked out his profile, saw that he was a coach who helped other coaches and practitioners to accelerate business and added him. I sent a message to say hi and that it was nice to connect, asking what he was up to.

Yesterday I had a message from him, so l opened it, and when I did, I saw that it was a (seemingly generic) message beginning with “Hi Bianca, I noticed you are a Coach and I wanted to reach out personally…” (ughhh here we go…)

His message went on to tell me about what he does, what kind of results his clients get and said that he wondered if I might want to get the results his clients had, and that he’d love to offer me a free 15 minute session. There was no reference whatsoever to my message or anything outside of what he wanted to say and offer.

Now, I’m not ignorant to the fact that we can always learn from others – directly and indirectly. Sometimes people can say one thing that changes the game for you forever. Judging by the results (including screenshots of client messages and a consistent flow of content on making more money as a coach/therapist), this guy could almost definitely share a thing or two about things that would help me and my clients… and to an extent, I admired his up-frontness, but I found myself in a battle with my ego because:

  • He didn’t reply to my message (and feeling ignored triggers me quicker than most things).
  • His message clearly wasn’t “personally reaching out”, but a rather well done version of what some may consider “spammy”.
  • Basically, he hasn’t conversed with me or pitched me in the way that I want or prefer (building a relationship and actually taking the time to get to know me in messages – yes, like actually reach out personally – before assuming that I may be an ideal client, when I actually work with people to start getting high end clients and building profitable coaching businesses too).

…Ooooh can you feel the bruises on my ego with that one?!

I started typing a response straight back, and while the response wasn’t offensive or horrible, it had a self-righteous “Well, I’ll have you know that I do that too” tone to it. I quickly realised that it was coming from a place that I know does not guide me well; a place that has triggered actions and words that create conflict and cause regret all too many times.

I knew it was best to close Messenger and respond later, because big-noting myself, projecting my beliefs about how networking should be done or making a sarcastic remark thanking him for personally responding to my message (all of which I felt like doing), were, ironically, not at all demonstrating the way I believe in connecting, networking or doing business either.

Deep down, as much as I didn’t like to admit it, I wanted to take the call because I knew this guy had his shit together, he was working at a higher level than I am with business building, and had been for much longer. It only took a quick scroll of his profile to see that his content was excellent – bold, polarising, informative, and his results were solid. I could certainly learn from him.

Fast forward 24hrs and I was triggered yet again when I remembered that the one post I had commented on from his profile (because it was great and I strongly agreed with it) was about not telling “them” (potential clients) what you do, but making it about them… (how dare he message me about his shit… how hypocritical)!

I revisited the message. Indeed, two lines mentioned him, the rest was about me in all the ways he’d said it needed to be in his post. Touché.

I messaged him to book a call and find out more about exactly what he does… and yes, I can hear those of you going “Oh my God no, it’s a sales call Bianca, don’t do it!” I’m not scared of being “sold” something that will serve me, and I’m not scared to say no if it doesn’t seem like a good fit. I’m very interested in learning from people who know their stuff, who are bold, direct and call it like it is, who aren’t afraid to trigger people with their content. People who get results.

The mistake we often make is telling ourselves that they’re this or that, that we don’t need to learn from them, that we are smarter than them and their “tricks”… come on, how many times have you been “so smart” that you have “dodged a sales tactic” like “I know that game and I’m not falling for it”… and then stayed exactly where you were instead of taking “the risk” of learning how you could actually get the results you want? How many times have you played it safe in your conversations or content, afraid to ruffle feathers or be bold in your opinions and statements?

Triggering people is not a bad thing, (and nor is being triggered), if you have a grip on the situation. When we are triggered, when we are in ego, it is an opportunity to stop and listen, to tune into what is going on, to hear, see and understand all of the judgments and stories we are keeping ourselves small with and then choose from our higher (and wiser) self.

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