For years now I have held grudges and kinda kept score to an extent within a relationship with someone very close to me. My patience and tolerance became shorter and shorter and every time I spoke to him I found myself either snappy and frustrated or just having a generally shallow and brief “update”-type conversation.
Then that was the norm, we’d report in to eachother and to avoid conflict or defensiveness, we’d end it there. There wasn’t much detail or excitement shared, the necessities were dutifully reported and that seemed like it.
A while back, I brought this up with a friend who’s a coach, because while I knew the relationship was “fine” & there was nothing tooooo wrong, I also knew that the norm – the way it had been for 4-5 years now – was not as open, honest and loving as I wanted it to be. There was a dull ache in my heart. It was hurting me to leave so many things left unsaid, to let this go on and on. I knew this was holding me back in so many ways, I can’t become who I want to be if I didn’t address this. I was scared to confront this situation though, there were a lot of painful and uncomfortable times to revisit.
A recent death in my boyfriend’s family reminded me that life is finite, we only have a certain amount of time to say what we want to say, do what we want to do and be who we want to be. It prompted me to sit down on the day of the funeral and write a letter to this person I love, because I would be very upset if for some reason or another they never ever knew how I felt, received my apologies or had the chance to explain things or express themselves.
So I wrote. I wrote and wrote and wrote.
Pen in hand, I wrote twelve A4 pages and processed a lot emotionally and mentally while writing. I’ve always loved that about writing or speaking about something that’s on your mind; to communicate it & get it out onto paper or in words, you must first make sense of it.
I sent the letter the same day I wrote it. I believe I’d sat on this issue without taking action for long enough. I felt that I’d processed the majority of it on my own in the writing session, I didn’t really believe that I needed to send it, so much healing was done already. I did think it was important for him to understand what had been happening on my side of things.
Yesterday I met a lady who bottles her emotions. She doesn’t outwardly get mad, she doesn’t express sadness or sress or any “negative” emotions externally.
And the pressure became too much and the walls of her abdomen burst.
The stress and strain of it all literally broke her. You know, when we say someone “bottles” things up, that’s real. She filled her body with the toxins of her stresses and negative emotions and that was the result. It will kill her quickly if she’s not careful, and I mean that very literally.
Today I received a response to my letter. I cried my eyes out. Not so much because of what was being said, or because I was sad, I think it was my body’s way of finally releasing everything. I have closure. We can move forward in a new way.
Sometimes a good cry or a laugh is the easiest way to release tension. Your body knows that it wil bring out the solution.
So whatever you’re holding onto – LET IT GO.
Don’t let it kill you – get it out and let it fly away in the breeze.