I haven’t shared any bump photos on social media yet.
To be honest I’ve felt a bit weird with the changes going on in my body.
My bump looks a little like a gut at times (as my dad joked the other night: “looks like you’ve had a few too many beers”), and I think that this is partly because of proportions…
At 5 weeks pregnant, I was bursting from my bra and at 7 weeks I’d gone up 2.5 cups from a D to buying an E and and F bra (because the E ain’t gonna last long)!
I was suddenly back at the size I was when I was 16 again;
Where shirts hung awkwardly off my boobs, like they some kinda verandah to my body below,
Where I had to go into the fugly-granny-bra section OR spend a fortune on nice lingerie,
Where I couldn’t buy matching bikinis, I had to find separates.
Where I was known (of the two Biancas in our grade at school) as “the one with the big boobs.”
Where the boys LOVED to watch me sprint in sports day… and not because I was quick.
Where my friends laughed when I stood above lights in the pavements and my face was fully shadowed while they looked like there was a torch shining up on theirs.
I was confident and definitely not tormented or traumatised by this, but it was an identity I wanted to get away from.
I didn’t want me or my life to be defined by them.
I remember talking to my Mum and a friend about a reduction in conversation, and a few weeks later, we were at the surgeon’s having a consultation.
I had the reduction knowing that they are breasts – that they would grow and change and fluctuate with weight and pregnancy etc. throughout my life. I knew that I was young and that I hadn’t finished growing, and I actually did grow another cup or two after the surgery.
It’s just interesting to notice now the mindset and habits that crept back as a result of these changes. The awkwardness of choosing what to wear, the tendencies to try to hide them, and this time the knowing that I could kinda “blame” the size of them on the pregnancy, that they wouldn’t be defined by others as a part of me.
As confident as someone may be, we can all have hang-ups about little things, and those little things can consume our time, thoughts and energy. They can hold us back from doing what we want to do and being who we want to be.
I realised in sharing these things within a group at a retreat last weekend that it’s time to move forward. There will be more change and I can be scared of it and hindered by it, I can battle with it… or I can embrace it and let it be.
So today I choose to embrace and celebrate my bump and my breasts, along with all the changes within me and within life that I have no control over.
I choose to let go of the blame and the worry, the covering up or trying to suck it in.
I choose to surrender from the fight and to give way to what is.
I choose to share with you this fact: You can choose to do the same.
Feel free to share what you choose to embrace below.